june 20, 2018

I used to be S U C H a pushover.

I cared s o o o o much about everyone;
I'd put everyone before myself, even if it wasn't in my best interest.
It was to an unhealthy extent, actually.
It's something I am still struggling to fix, but unlike before,
I AM fixing it.

Because I was so set on making everyone around me happy,
I had become a quiet person, always afraid to shake the sand underneath people in fear that it would cause an argument. 

I h a t e arguments.
Still today, if I can suck something up in order to avoid discord,
I'd do it.

Yes, there were times when I didn't agree with others but I couldn't say it aloud.
If I disagreed or shared an unpopular opinion, I would of offended someone
one way or another.

If I could ever suck something up,
I'd do it.
No matter how much something bothered me,
I would just withstand it.

I would tell myself, "It's fine Laura, just withstand it a while longer. You'll be home soon. You don't live with these people, so it's not like you have to deal with it for forever."

But eventually,
my pet peeves followed me into my own home;
into my own bedroom;
into my own bed.

I found myself mumbling more often than not, "Just suck it up, Laura, it'll be over soon, it'll be fine."
I repeated it over and over in my head, like a mantra
until I couldn't even stand being in my own home.
I was going insane,
but I was still determined not to cause agitation.
Even if it did drive me insane,
I would avoid it at any costs.

It never mattered to me whether or not I had to push my personal preferences aside.

I was always afraid to share opinions because mine were S O different from others; ARE so different from others. And whenever I did share my own, they were always pushed away; always disregarded; always disagreed with. And in a world where "majority rules," I had no say. So, I stopped talking; stopped sharing. I gave in to others because I wanted to make them happy. 

If my opinions were going to be discarded every time, then that meant that they were not needed, so why open my mouth in the first place. Why waste oxygen sharing unnecessary things. I was harsh with myself. Strict. But I had earned the nickname "humble and kind-hearted Laurita." Yes, that's who I wanted to be. In being her, I was able to prove people wrong and be a friend to everyone. (When your young, you don't understand just how stupid "proving people wrong" sounds). I was so convinced that it was possible to not have any enemies or people who didn't like you. I was hostile toward anyone who told me that I couldn't be friends with everyone and that I was "too nice." 

The way I was handling things made me less and less happy. Only the joy of the Lord helped me continue smiling; to continue being the "Laurita" that "everyone" was friends with.

But oh my gosh... Because I was resolute about never upsetting anyone, I became an expert at upsetting myself.

I was hiding a personality that I couldn't show (that I was afraid to show).

Like a butterfly, 
                    growing into its wings, 
                                                   but never coming out of its cocoon.

I had actually convinced myself early on that I could find the perfect balance:
That I was able to give people what they wanted/needed while still being friends with everyone. And I was SO adamant about it. But if you think about it, that required keeping secrets. It rid me of who I really was. I was suppressing the Laura that God was calling me to be. I had actually convinced myself that this "pushover, kindest of the kind" Laura was who I really was. And even though I found it somewhat possible to please everyone for a short time, it d r a i n e d so much of me so fast.

But I really believed that I could do it:
that I could be friends with everyone;
that I could be nice to everyone.
I was set on proving anyone who told me otherwise wrong. 
And for a while, I think I achieved that.
But it came with a price;
                                                a hefty one.

Because I fully believed that I had to stay quiet in order to be nice, I had become a mute. 

My one and only priority was to keep everyone around me happy; even if I was not, so I gave and gave and gave so much of myself that eventually, I was not myself. That weighed heavily on me. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about it either because I didn't want to burden anyone. In reality I was picky. I didn't want anyone seeing that side of me. And I didn't want anyone sacrificing anything because of me. 

Eventually, it wasn't just pet peeves I was having. The entire being of a person annoyed me. Just the simple fact of being around certain people annoyed me. I found myself wanting to be away from them at all costs. As far away as possible. One of those people included my own sister. And I didn't realize that my terrible habits were causing me to stay stuck in a very toxic cycle. 

I'd tell myself, "If I can avoid them, they can continue doing whatever they're doing and I won't get annoyed. No confrontation, no problem." But that wasn't helping me at all. I was only hurting myself: harboring hate and contempt in my heart. I was running the risk of never being able to nurture those relationships back to healthy ones.

I'm done letting the devil use my weaknesses as a playground.
No more. 

I want to speak the truth in love. I want to be 
the Lord's mouthpiece.