excerpt from bus stops by laura

Perhaps 

the reason why we cannot forget our sins 
after being made a new creation 
is because we must remember 
the reason for the cross. 

We must remember the Savior 
for what it is that He came. 

Every day, I remember my mistakes. 
Every day, I remember Christ. 

- Rememberance

invitations of wisdom and folly

"Wisdom has built up her house; she has set up its seven pillars. She has prepared her meat and mixed her wine; she has also set her table. She has sent out her servants, and she calls from the highest point of the city, 'Let all who are simple come to my house!' To those who have no sense she says, 'Come, eat my food and drink the wine I have mixed. Leave your simple waays and you will live; walk in the way of insight.'" (Proverbs 9:1-6) 

"Folly is an unruly woman; she is simple and knows nothing. She sits at the door of her house, on a seat at the highest point in the city, calling out to those who pass by, who go straight on their way, 'Let all who are simple come to my house!' To those who have no sense she says, 'Stolen water is sweet; food eaten in secret is delicious!' But little do they know that the dead are there, that her guests are deep in the realm of the dead." (Proverbs 9:13-18)

Notice how both wisdom and folly call from the highest point in the city. They have a lot of similarities as well as discinct differences that we can look at. 

1. Wisdom has built up her house. The Word doesn't mention Folly having done any kind of labor to build her own house up and she certainly doesn't have structure in her house as the 7 pillars of Wisdom's house implies. 

2. They both are both seated at the highest point of the city, calling out, wanting to be heard. Both of them call out to "the simple." 

3. Wisdom has prepared her own food and mixed her own wine to offer and share with those that choose to come to her house. Folly says, "Stolen water is sweet; food eaten in secret is delicious." She wont even make food for you. 

4. Folly calls out to those who go "straight on their way" which implies that she is seeking to make their paths crooked. Whereas with wisdom, to those who have no sense, she is offering them hospitality and homemade food. 

5. Wisdom makes a call to action; to change. She says, "Leave your simple ways." Folly is making an invitation to those who are simple, just like Wisdom is except she is not requiring them to change. Both say, "come as you are." But only Wisdom says, "Don't just stay as you are. Become better!" 

6. Wisdom is promising LIFE to those who are willing to leave their simple ways; to those who are willing to walk in insight. Folly doesn't call us to change at all. Instead she wants us to stay the same, but this has consequences. It is death. Her guests are spiritually dead. "...her guests are deep in the realm of the dead." 

Just like the tree of life and death and the tree of knowledge, both are out in the open, invitingly. It is up to us, to make the decision, of which one to choose. So, choose wisely. 

psalm 51 (october 7, 2021)

I was reviewing the opening pages of a poetry book I'm writing, and came across Psalm 51, the Scripture I'd chosen to preface my writing. And it really spoke to me... Even more than it did the 1st time. At that moment, I wanted to shout it from the rooftops; I wanted to share it with my worship team; I wanted to send it to my pastors as encouragement. I kept repeating it—reciting it in my head, saying it out loud. At the time, it was 8 in the morning and I was the only one at my workplace. (Praise God for a small office.) I most definitely took advantage of that. 

I felt so empowered; so powerful, and I wanted to share it with everyone because I knew that there were people in need of it; people in need of those living Words. My only hope was for them to read it and realize the truth encased inside, like I had done anew a few minutes before. Upon the realization of that overhwelming desire in me, my heart broke. My heart swelled with compassion for people who are in need of God's Words yet, aren't looking for it; aren't seeing it even though it's right in front of them for the taking. All they have to do is look and see that it is good. The Word of God is good and alive and active. 

"For the Word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to the dividing of soul and spirit, joint and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12)

"O taste and see that the LORD is good; How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!" (Psalm 34:8)

After reading, my joy was renewed and I wondered, Why wallow in our problems? Why, when we have such a powerful tool at our fingertips. It was literally given to us on a golden platter. I can't even say silver platter. It is gold. The platter is gold, delivered right to our doorsteps too. Like come on, my friend, how are you not going to take that? To think that we have the literal Word of God—He who was, who is, and who is to come, the beginning and the end, the literal creator of the entire universe, and the One who knows all things, and you're telling me that you're not going to take His Word? 

You're looking for a way out of your situation, out of your problems, and you can't take it anymore; yet you rather sit there and wallow in it? Let's do some math brother/sister. Do you really expect a situation to better itself when you are not doing the slightest bit to help it. Do you expect a situation to better itself when you are not putting your faith in action? Faith without works is dead! 

"As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead." (James 2:26)

But I get it. It's easier to just sit there and do nothing about it rather than crack down, grab the oil, your Bible, and bruise your knees over it in prayer and fasting for an hour or two (see Ephesians 6:12). It is easier to escape for a few moments; to get caught up in books, in comics, in video games, in YouTube videos, in movies, in TV shows. It is easier. I admit that. Because I know it all too well. But I also know that distracting oneself with those things will NEVER do anything to help. It never has. Taking that kind of route will not solve our problems. All it does is provide temporary relief for us, and we will always have to come back to those things to find relief. Doesn't that sound bad? Doesn't that sound toxic and cyclical to you? Do you really want to stay there? We have the power not to. 

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5)

You see, the Word of God is alive and active; therefore, when we read it, it should activate us as well. We need to be willing to take our thoughts captive to Christ, and believe and declare that the Lord has given us the spirit of power, love, and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). And once we declare that and believe in it, then we should be able to obediently act upon that truth. Point blank. 

"For we cannot merely be listeners of the Word so deceiving ourselves, but we should also do what it says." (James 2:22) 

This is a gospel of action as we believe and know it to be true. So get up brother/sister, and tell the enemy that you're done playing his game. See things for what they are: Spiritual. I pray that your spirit becomes awakened. That your spiritual eyes and ears be opened, in Jesus Name, so that you may see the battle for what it is, and fight the enemy's temptations and evil whispers using the power of God's wonderful Word, and the WONDERFUL Name of Jesus, through the power of prayer and intercession. 

Amen. 

psalm 51:7-17

 

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;

wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Let me hear joy and gladness;

let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

Hide your face from my sins

and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me from your presence

or take your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,

so that sinners will turn back to you.

Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,

you who are God my Savior,

and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

Open my lips, Lord,

and my mouth will declare your praise.

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;

you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

My sacrifice, O God, is[b] a broken spirit;

a broken and contrite heart

you, God, will not despise.

october 8, 2021

I have been traversing through some tough waters lately; on a long journey that I strongly believe will never end unless the Lord returns, I run very far away, or I just cease to exist. It is very tough. 

I happened to come across Mark Vroegop's book, Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy recently in which he teaches about discovering the grace of lament based off of his own experience, and how we can learn to do it rightly; in other words, Biblically. Pastor Vroegop shares the story of how he and his wife experienced multiple miscarriages that left them feeling distraught and helpless, and when they finally became pregnant, the trauma of previous losses, left them afraid. Now, I don't know how large of an excerpt I am allowed to share, but I hope that this much is fine because it really stirred up some "amens" in me that I would like to write about. 

On Page 56 of his book, Pastor Vroegop describes how he was meeting weekly with a group of pastors to pray for revival in their city. He goes on to say this: 

"During one of our group prayer times, I began to lament my fears about Sarah's pregnancy. Our fight for faith left me exhausted. My soul was weary. In front of the other pastors I talked candidly to the Lord about my daily battle. I laid out my anxiety, struggles, and doubts. It was a brutally honesty lament. After I finished my tear-filled complaint, a few pastors gathered around me. They began to pray. 

A pastor named Bernie placed his thick hand on my chest. He prayed with bold confidence: 'God, I call on You to give strength to my brother!' As he leaned into me, it felt as if he was pushing his prayer into my heart. He prayed again. This time louder. 'I pray for strength for my brother.' Then almost shouting: 'Strength for my brother!' 

As I was circled by these pastors in prayer, something happened in my soul. Bernie's prayer was filled with such confidence in the Lord. He called on God with an authority that was strangely refreshing. My fear didn't vanish, but Bernie's confidence in God became mine.

My heartfelt complaint was eclipsed by his bold request."

... Wow... 

        "My fear didn't vanish, but Bernie's confidence in God became mine." 

Slowly, I am learning that a lot of the time, our struggles, our battles, our fears, and our tribulations don't disappear. They do not disappear even though we pray, we lament, and cry out to God in all our despair and helplessness. I would say that 99% of the time, personally speaking, results do not come quickly. And almost always, never come at all the way I would like them to. And that is hard. It is really hard. But there is always something to learn right? Because our cries and laments and prayers never fall on deaf ears when it is God on the other end of the line. And if you come to really believe that simple truth, constantly keeping it in remembrance, you begin to put your confidence in the Lord reflexively, when your problems arise like nasty, suffocating, smoke. When we cry out to God, He hears us. We should never doubt that. What does His Word say? 

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matthew 7:7-8) 

The Lord is forever faithful, and He sits on His throne righteous, patient, waiting for us to realize and stay knowing that we are in constant need of Him for literally everything. 

Your prayers and cries never fall on deaf ears when it is God you are pouring yourself out to. And although your eyes may not see the solution to your problem, the result of your test, or the promise to your prayer immediately (or ever o_o .. See Hebrews 11:32-40) we can always take the example of the psalmist, David, who knew well of trials and tribulations, and lament.

"But I trust in You, Lord, I say, 'You are my God.' My times are in Your hands(...)" (Psalm 31:14-15)

The Lord's timing is perfect. Always good. He is always on time. He is always listening to our cries, and whether we see it or not, He is always working for our good (Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28). It takes some habit building, training ourselves to learn to recall the Scriptures for this immediately in times when your troubles show up. But eventually, your confidence in the Lord becomes the pillar of knowledge of truth that you lean on. The world may be caving in outside, but your confidence in the Father sustains you. He sustains you.

"God is our refuge and strength,  an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. (...) The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress," (Psalm 46:1-3,7). 

When you train yourself to look at the silver lining that is God breaking through the storm, everything may be falling apart at the seams, but the power of our God Almighty becomes your reality. You learn to rely on the never-failing, always faithful confidant. And He lifts the weight of despair and helplessness off our backs. 

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light," (Matthew 11:28-30). 

When we have those negative thoughts and not-so-welcomed situations, we must learn to trust in the Lord and shift our focus to Him. And if we learn to master this, times will eventually come when we will be attacked, we will see and hear but it will not even bother us because we will instinctively be able to cast everything on Christ (1 Peter 5:7) and take our thoughts captive to Him (2 Corinthians 10:5). 

Confess that Jesus is Lord over our tribulations because in this world, we will surely have them, but take heart, Jesus the Christ has already overcome the world (John 16:33). 

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all," (2 Corinthians 4:17).

june 20, 2018

I used to be S U C H a pushover.

I cared s o o o o much about everyone;
I'd put everyone before myself, even if it wasn't in my best interest.
It was to an unhealthy extent, actually.
It's something I am still struggling to fix, but unlike before,
I AM fixing it.

Because I was so set on making everyone around me happy,
I had become a quiet person, always afraid to shake the sand underneath people in fear that it would cause an argument. 

I h a t e arguments.
Still today, if I can suck something up in order to avoid discord,
I'd do it.

Yes, there were times when I didn't agree with others but I couldn't say it aloud.
If I disagreed or shared an unpopular opinion, I would of offended someone
one way or another.

If I could ever suck something up,
I'd do it.
No matter how much something bothered me,
I would just withstand it.

I would tell myself, "It's fine Laura, just withstand it a while longer. You'll be home soon. You don't live with these people, so it's not like you have to deal with it for forever."

But eventually,
my pet peeves followed me into my own home;
into my own bedroom;
into my own bed.

I found myself mumbling more often than not, "Just suck it up, Laura, it'll be over soon, it'll be fine."
I repeated it over and over in my head, like a mantra
until I couldn't even stand being in my own home.
I was going insane,
but I was still determined not to cause agitation.
Even if it did drive me insane,
I would avoid it at any costs.

It never mattered to me whether or not I had to push my personal preferences aside.

I was always afraid to share opinions because mine were S O different from others; ARE so different from others. And whenever I did share my own, they were always pushed away; always disregarded; always disagreed with. And in a world where "majority rules," I had no say. So, I stopped talking; stopped sharing. I gave in to others because I wanted to make them happy. 

If my opinions were going to be discarded every time, then that meant that they were not needed, so why open my mouth in the first place. Why waste oxygen sharing unnecessary things. I was harsh with myself. Strict. But I had earned the nickname "humble and kind-hearted Laurita." Yes, that's who I wanted to be. In being her, I was able to prove people wrong and be a friend to everyone. (When your young, you don't understand just how stupid "proving people wrong" sounds). I was so convinced that it was possible to not have any enemies or people who didn't like you. I was hostile toward anyone who told me that I couldn't be friends with everyone and that I was "too nice." 

The way I was handling things made me less and less happy. Only the joy of the Lord helped me continue smiling; to continue being the "Laurita" that "everyone" was friends with.

But oh my gosh... Because I was resolute about never upsetting anyone, I became an expert at upsetting myself.

I was hiding a personality that I couldn't show (that I was afraid to show).

Like a butterfly, 
                    growing into its wings, 
                                                   but never coming out of its cocoon.

I had actually convinced myself early on that I could find the perfect balance:
That I was able to give people what they wanted/needed while still being friends with everyone. And I was SO adamant about it. But if you think about it, that required keeping secrets. It rid me of who I really was. I was suppressing the Laura that God was calling me to be. I had actually convinced myself that this "pushover, kindest of the kind" Laura was who I really was. And even though I found it somewhat possible to please everyone for a short time, it d r a i n e d so much of me so fast.

But I really believed that I could do it:
that I could be friends with everyone;
that I could be nice to everyone.
I was set on proving anyone who told me otherwise wrong. 
And for a while, I think I achieved that.
But it came with a price;
                                                a hefty one.

Because I fully believed that I had to stay quiet in order to be nice, I had become a mute. 

My one and only priority was to keep everyone around me happy; even if I was not, so I gave and gave and gave so much of myself that eventually, I was not myself. That weighed heavily on me. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about it either because I didn't want to burden anyone. In reality I was picky. I didn't want anyone seeing that side of me. And I didn't want anyone sacrificing anything because of me. 

Eventually, it wasn't just pet peeves I was having. The entire being of a person annoyed me. Just the simple fact of being around certain people annoyed me. I found myself wanting to be away from them at all costs. As far away as possible. One of those people included my own sister. And I didn't realize that my terrible habits were causing me to stay stuck in a very toxic cycle. 

I'd tell myself, "If I can avoid them, they can continue doing whatever they're doing and I won't get annoyed. No confrontation, no problem." But that wasn't helping me at all. I was only hurting myself: harboring hate and contempt in my heart. I was running the risk of never being able to nurture those relationships back to healthy ones.

I'm done letting the devil use my weaknesses as a playground.
No more. 

I want to speak the truth in love. I want to be 
the Lord's mouthpiece.

april 4, 2018

Once you're free from something that bound you,
you can lift your arms and reach,

                                                       fly,

                                                                   worship.

Once you're free from something that bound you,

you can breathe.

Once you're free from something that bound you,
the torment stops... 

For a while. 

And a new kind of torment begins.

You start to miss everything about your previous life; 

the things you used to say,

the things you used to do.

You start to miss who you once were 
even if it had not truly been you.

You start to miss the people...

You start to miss that person—
devil strategies to get you to go back, 

to return to our old habits
and the quick fixes of our flesh. 

I will endure this withdrawal. I must,
for I shall surely see the victory in the end,
and feel the wholeness of freedom.  

february 16, 2018

I don't want to run my mouth; 

I want to run the race. 

No quiero correr mi boca;
Yo quiero correr la carrera.

A lot of times, I find myself caught up in speaking things into existence a little too much. I forget that a lot, if not all, of the things that I say I want to do, need to be acted upon.
I need to get my feet going, get my hands crafting, get my body moving so that what I say won't stay JUST 'what I said.'

Sometimes, I would tell myself, "it makes me feel as if I am doing something already. If I say I am going to do these things, maybe they'll eventually get done."
But things don't get done on standards of "maybe." And God isn't looking for "maybers." God is looking for "doers."

I want to be someone who talks less and does more; someone who lets my actions and successes in Christ define who I am.
I can talk and talk and talk all I want, but without anything to show for it, what's the use? What is getting done?

God wants us to be doers of his word. He already spoke it. It's our job now, to continue the works that Jesus did when he walked the Earth.
It's our time.
So let's talk less and do more.

"The more talk, the less truth; the wise measure their words." (Proverbs 10:19, MSG)

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." (Hebrews 12:1, NLT)

give thanks to the Lord for He is good

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever." (Chronicles 16:34) 

My attention is drawn to the fact that the Scripture says we must give thanks to the because HE IS GOOD. It mentions nothing about our circumstances, what situation we might find ourselves in or what we may be traversing through, emotionally, physically, spiritually, or mentally (not that those things don't matter btw). We can give thanks to Him because He is good constantly and forever, and that is the greatest news EVER. He is an unchanging God who is steadfast in His goodness, in His patience, in His love for us. No matter what we may be going through, it'll be okay because God is good, and God is forever, and part of us is forever too. We have the opportunity to be with Him in eternity no matter what we are going through. Our problems may appear big right now (Romans 8:18). It may feel like we are being crushed. We may be feeling aches and strain under the heavy weight of it all BUT that doesn't change the fact that GOD IS GOOD. He always has been and always will be. And everything will be okay because He is good. He will work it all out for our good. (Romans 8:28)