march 31, 2025

Going through some difficult times, so I mediate on the Word of God: 

"The Lord is my light and my salvation — whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life — of whom shall I be afraid?" (Psalm 27:1) 

"(...) Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." (Nehemiah 8:10)

I am living through some difficult conditions at the moment. They weigh heavy on my mind and heart and it is affecting my physical body as well. I know its an attack. But I don't know who to reach out to. I don't know who to share this burden with. So, I turn to God and share it with Him. He is the one I can fully cast my load upon. Time and time again, He has shown me that I can. 

"My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust," (Psalm 91:2). 

Cast your cares and your worries on the Lord because He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7). It's hard to please others. It's hard to find grace in the presence of those that are always searching for something wrong in a situation or in a person whether that be inadvertently or not. But you know who doesn't do that? God. God doesn't do that and He does not require anything of us. We may come as we are, and He loves us there, in that place, so tenderly. And if we are in need of change, He helps us do that, without making us feel incompentent or unloved. I've come to realize that only God can handle us when it comes to our human condition. We are all different. Different in different ways. 

As Christians, the basis is that we are already different; set apart (Romans 12:2). Some of us, though, in this context, have been dealt a life residing on the more extreme side of things. I dare mention Paul, David, Isaiah in relation to this. Yes, there were others that lived dedicated to the Lord, but I want to cast my attention on these three men at the moment. They were called to be different and the life God called them to live was extreme in nature. Chosen for a higher calling. I am absolutely not saying that one person is lesser than the other. It is simply a different way of life. And sometimes, as humans, we have problems with "different." Especially if the person called to live differently is our child who we raised to be a certain way, who now suddenly does not fit the mold we want them to fit. 

Hive mentality never helps in situations like this; when your family, and your friends, and your church, all share the same thoughts and hold onto the same values just because that's the way things have always been. That makes it challenging for the next generation to change something should God call them to. I am not a liberal, nor will I ever be a liberal, but in cases like this, "non-comformity" is the only word I can think of that fits. People called to change, have to be non-conformists. This is difficult because when you have multitudes of people standing on well-established laws of the land, how are you to convince them that you cannot stand there, lest it kill you. It prevents you from growth and you can feel yourself suffocating in a box of a certian size that you are dying to outgrow. 

Things have been eating away at me slowly. I have 100% asked myself, "Why can't I just be obedient and conform. Just do what you're supposed to do, Laura." But that is exactly my problem. It feels wrong to just do that. It feels like there is more. There has to be more. I find myself wanting to do other things. I feel restless. But whenever I do try taking steps toward more, I am pulled back, stripped of my peace, condemned even. What do I do then? I want to honor others and be obedient, but even when I am and do everything I am supposed to, even when I try, it doesn't feel like enough. It's never enough. And staying in that box doesn't feel right. 

But I come to Him who I am enough for. He who tells me, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast," (Ephesians 2:8-9). I make sure to remember James 2:26 as well because it is important to note: "As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead." So, it's not that we will sit idly by, no—and that isn't my intent regardless—but it is good to keep this in mind: Our accomplishments do not determine God's love for us just as much as it does not determine our salvation. Contrary to humans, God is not disappointed when we stumble. In fact, He's already factored all of that in when He sent His Son down to die for us, for that very reason: Our shortcomings. This is great news, but I am personally still left with the question: 

What do I do when all I do is obey Proverbs 3:3-4 and I do not feel fulfilled. Am I still putting too much importance on the wanting to please my parents part? I have even contemplated moving out because it feels like a cycle that won't break until I force it to break. That doesn't feel right either though. Perhaps this is an endurance test. In the meantime, I will lean on the Lord. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)